I can’t really explain what it is. I suppose it could be a feeling. I stopped feeling emotions when I was twelve after, well, after an incident I am not ready to discuss yet. Could I be getting my feelings back? It has been so long that I can’t even recognize anything but this emptiness and rage. My case manager brought up the incident and I actually could feel tears trying to well up, that hasn’t happened since my cat died (Like I said, me and cats…). Maybe I am starting to feel things again. I think that that would be nice, although it is slightly terrifying too. I guess I’ll just have to ride this out and see where it goes.
I left home for a reason, but I didn’t have to fuck up as badly as I did when I got here. I mean, drugs, alcohol, smoking, language…. what the hell happened? Although, it has been five days since I smoked, and I have not touched any of the other things since before my last institutionalization, so that is a plus. But, like, I just don’t know guys… I am somehow simultaneously at the highest and lowest point of my life. This realization has hit me nearly every morning, and every night. it has become intrusive. Why, how did you fuck up this badly dude. I hate myself.
I know my thing says that things get better and that there is hope, but I’m probably not showing that too well, am I? Although, if I was still as bad as I was I would have killed myself, or worse, someone else. So it takes time, a lot of it. Also, I am going to make an entire post about breaking the stigma of mental hospitals later too.
On a lighter note, when I do have energy and motivation, and no schoolwork (this rarely happens) I’ve found a couple hobbies to invest myself in. I really enjoy photography, and animals, so I like to take walks through the forest and see how many I can get photos of. I have also gotten back into reading, I think I might do book reviews on here as I finish them. I also got a few plants for my dorm room.
I think this school high and low point at once thing is giving me existential crises. I definitely do not think that I need this right now, I have so much shit to do. A research paper, exams, a concert. ugh. And now, come to find out, I have to get a storage shed up here over the summer and take the bus back home to Tennessee… Can this year get any worse? Please do not take that as a challenge universe….
Alright, well, hang in there friends…