I Got a Job

After moving into my new apartment, it took me nearly three months to find a job, but now that I found one I could not as for anything better. I am a dispatcher for public transportation. It is a nine to five office job where people call in for rides, I see if I can schedule it, I make sure the money adds up, I fill out mileage logs, and I do I other various odd jobs.

The other employees are some of the greatest people I know, and everyone seems friendly enough. Although I do not make a lot, it is enough to get by, and at this point what more can I ask for.


On Gender and Sexual Identity

Growing up I never fit in with the other boys, I did not share their interests or hobbies, I did not enjoy sports, and I had not interest in vehicles. I never fit in with the girls either, because, well, I was not one of them, or so I believed. This\continued throughout high school even, I simply did not click with other guys, as the majority of my friends where female. Looking back people probably thought I was gay because of it (not that that is a bad thing).

Now, to understand this you have to realize that I went to a super conservative, southern, Christian, yee-haw type of high school with one openly gay kid and from there a highly progressive, liberal arts school where every third person was queer in some way. This university was where I learned about what transgendered was, that it was even a thing. I had never heard this word before but somehow it described me perfectly.

This was also when I realized another major aspect of my person, my sexual identity. By this point I had come to accept that I liked both genders, that was beyond a doubt. There was more to it though, something different. That was when my friend introduced me to the term, pansexual and gray-ace. Together, these terms meant that my attraction to people only occurred with a dep connection prior. I had never been so relieved or felt so accepted to be this way, it lifted a large toll off of me.

I was still in University when I had called my Mother and sister to come out to them. My sister could not care less, it was nothing more than a thing. My mother however went into a whole speech of how she was raised to believe it was wrong, and that while she did not accept it she would always love me. It crushed me, throwing me into a depression.

It was not until a year and a half later that I came out to her about being transgendered, dreading what I knew she was going to say I text her. I could not even bring myself to tell her over the phone. She said the same thing as she did when I came out about my sexuality. My sister acted okay with it, but later she freaked out thinking she was going to lose her brother. This hurt even worse than the first time.

Up until three weeks ago there was no update, But then I started hormones and came out to a couple people at work who where all very accepting.

So that is really all that I have for that, thank you for reading if anyone did, and I hope all of you have a great day, you can make it through anything. If you can not do it for yourself then do it out of spite for those who said you can not.

Long Overdue Life Update 5 August 2019

I will go into greater detail on future articles, so if you actually read this then you will have that to look forward to. Let me first begin, however, for apologizing for my long absence. Life got pretty hectic there for a while.

Like I said however, this will just be a succinct summary of events: I dropped out of University, Got a full time job, moved off into my own apartment, came out to my mother and sister as both pansexual and transgender, started hormones, left a super toxic relationship, went into a healthy one, my sister moved into her own apartment, and my mother went through her second divorce. I went through some had times financially, spending a while without a place to live and going days at a time barely eating.

No worries however, as of right now I am actually doing pretty good. I started going to therapy again, and I got my medications adjusted.
So, to anyone who reads this, maybe things do get better, I know it sounds cliché, but maybe, just maybe, they can get better, and you can get through this.

Trust Issues

I need to start by telling you guys a story about something that happened to me when I was twelve years old, It may be too graphic for some readers, so this is a warning to you now. I have kept it pent up inside for so long, and really do not know how to talk about it, but here goes nothing I suppose. I was only twelve years old and had just moved into the United States of America from where I was raised in Germany. My family had stopped at a truck stop so that I could use the restroom. Inside of this restroom, a man, whom I had never met before and never would again, would decide to take advantage of me. Sexually. At the age of twelve years old I was raped, by a stranger, in a truck stop restroom. This is something that only my therapist knows, until now, not even my parents knew. This traumatic event would destroy me mentally for years to come, and shape who I am today. However, probably the greatest negative impact it has had on my life is my now massive trust issues.
Before I continue however, I would like to give a quick rant about how sexual assault can happen to men also, it may be less common, but it is very real. I grew up feeling shunned by everyone due to a widespread myth that it only occurs to women. I am here to say it happens to men to, and having it happen to you does not make you any less of a man. If you have had a similar encounter, and need to get it off your chest, my mailbox is always open.
Now, however, I have trouble trusting even my closest friends. I hate being around other men alone, and the “stereotypical” “guy” talk makes me so uncomfortable I get sick. I am also now disgusted and terrified of anything physical contact and sexual things. I am constantly questioning whether these people are truly my friends or not, I always feel as though I am being used and taken advantage of, which, honestly, I probably am because I always try to be nice and respectful to everyone.
Anyways, if you guys have any advice for me, I would love to hear it, Thank you for reading this, I am sorry it is such a sad topic.

Back to University!!!

Something I have not told you guys yet is that I am a major music nerd, I mean, it is borderline unsettling. I am classically trained on the trumpet with teen years of experience, I am taking lessons on the cello, I am learning piano, I am in the athletic band, the symphonic band, the jazz band, and the community chorus. It is a lot, yes, but it is so worth it. Because of marching band, I got to come back to campus early for band camp.
Band camp was absolutely amazing. I made a plethora of new friends (I have been working on breaking out of my shell and being more social), and the music is just phenomenal. Our very first half time show is themed off of Bruno Mars songs, and we are under the direction of Jonathan Waters, who is, most likely the greatest band director in history. I may be biased though.
As far as actual classes, I have: Policing and Law enforcement, Intro to Criminal Justice, Music Theory, Human Sexuality, Marching band Techniques, Marching Band, Symphonic Band, Jazz Band, Community Chorus, Trumpet Lessons, Cello Lessons, Elementary French, and Advise, inspire, Mentoring. For those who do not know, I am majoring in criminology and psychology and minoring in philosophy, history, and music.
I have actually never been in choir before, but when I saw the signs for auditions, I basically said fuck it. I do not regret that for a minute. While it does seem like a lot, I believe I can handle it.
Another interesting thing I have done is started the process of starting a new student organization. I am super hyped about this. It is the Heidelberg College Diabetes Network. I have a constitution typed up, enough members interested, a faculty advisor, now I just have to petition it to the student senate. The chapter organizers have sent me posters, brochures, set me up a chapter email, and more. This organization has been a dream of mine since last year and being able to see it come to fruition like this makes me exuberant.
I am super excited for this semester, so wish me the best of luck! thank you again for reading!