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Trust Issues

I need to start by telling you guys a story about something that happened to me when I was twelve years old, It may be too graphic for some readers, so this is a warning to you now. I have kept it pent up inside for so long, and really do not know how to talk about it, but here goes nothing I suppose. I was only twelve years old and had just moved into the United States of America from where I was raised in Germany. My family had stopped at a truck stop so that I could use the restroom. Inside of this restroom, a man, whom I had never met before and never would again, would decide to take advantage of me. Sexually. At the age of twelve years old I was raped, by a stranger, in a truck stop restroom. This is something that only my therapist knows, until now, not even my parents knew. This traumatic event would destroy me mentally for years to come, and shape who I am today. However, probably the greatest negative impact it has had on my life is my now massive trust issues.
Before I continue however, I would like to give a quick rant about how sexual assault can happen to men also, it may be less common, but it is very real. I grew up feeling shunned by everyone due to a widespread myth that it only occurs to women. I am here to say it happens to men to, and having it happen to you does not make you any less of a man. If you have had a similar encounter, and need to get it off your chest, my mailbox is always open.
Now, however, I have trouble trusting even my closest friends. I hate being around other men alone, and the “stereotypical” “guy” talk makes me so uncomfortable I get sick. I am also now disgusted and terrified of anything physical contact and sexual things. I am constantly questioning whether these people are truly my friends or not, I always feel as though I am being used and taken advantage of, which, honestly, I probably am because I always try to be nice and respectful to everyone.
Anyways, if you guys have any advice for me, I would love to hear it, Thank you for reading this, I am sorry it is such a sad topic.

Back to University!!!

Something I have not told you guys yet is that I am a major music nerd, I mean, it is borderline unsettling. I am classically trained on the trumpet with teen years of experience, I am taking lessons on the cello, I am learning piano, I am in the athletic band, the symphonic band, the jazz band, and the community chorus. It is a lot, yes, but it is so worth it. Because of marching band, I got to come back to campus early for band camp.
Band camp was absolutely amazing. I made a plethora of new friends (I have been working on breaking out of my shell and being more social), and the music is just phenomenal. Our very first half time show is themed off of Bruno Mars songs, and we are under the direction of Jonathan Waters, who is, most likely the greatest band director in history. I may be biased though.
As far as actual classes, I have: Policing and Law enforcement, Intro to Criminal Justice, Music Theory, Human Sexuality, Marching band Techniques, Marching Band, Symphonic Band, Jazz Band, Community Chorus, Trumpet Lessons, Cello Lessons, Elementary French, and Advise, inspire, Mentoring. For those who do not know, I am majoring in criminology and psychology and minoring in philosophy, history, and music.
I have actually never been in choir before, but when I saw the signs for auditions, I basically said fuck it. I do not regret that for a minute. While it does seem like a lot, I believe I can handle it.
Another interesting thing I have done is started the process of starting a new student organization. I am super hyped about this. It is the Heidelberg College Diabetes Network. I have a constitution typed up, enough members interested, a faculty advisor, now I just have to petition it to the student senate. The chapter organizers have sent me posters, brochures, set me up a chapter email, and more. This organization has been a dream of mine since last year and being able to see it come to fruition like this makes me exuberant.
I am super excited for this semester, so wish me the best of luck! thank you again for reading!

Summer Summary

First off, I would like to sincerely apologize to all of you for my extended absence. Things became quite hectic for me for a while there. I guess I will start at the beginning.
At the start of the summer, well, the very first day I was back in Tennessee (I attend University in Ohio), I received a phone call from one of the local animal clinics, they wanted me to come in and shadow in the boarding department for a day. I gladly accepted. It was not great pay, eight dollars an hour, but I enjoyed working there. I worked full time, getting forty to even sixty hours a week. Things were going great, I had survived the family vacation, I had a job, I legitimately felt alright. But then my step-dad came home….
If I have not already made a post about him I will, but long story short he is a terrible person. I thought I would be okay, but I thought wrong and ended up checking myself into a mental hospital (for the fifth time) due to homicidal and suicidal ideations. It was probably my worst experience yet, I stayed there for a little over a week. I will go into more detail on this in a later post.

After I was discharged the rest of the summer went smoothly, I actually got along with my step-dad, and I grew closer to my family as a whole. Then August rolled around and I had to leave for University again. Work liked me enough to keep me on the schedule, so I just need to text them when I get back for winter recess. I have already offered to work on Christmas day.

I ended up leaving a few days before University to spend some time with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins who live in Youngstown Ohio. This brings us up to a few weeks ago when I began University, which will be covered in my next post.
As always, thank you for reading, even though I have no clue why you do.

Family “vacation”

I had to take an entire week off work to go to my step-mother’s family reunion in North Carolina. I f you have not been following, I hate both my father and step-mother. It will be two days at the reunion, and then five days at a beach, so that will be nice at least. But still, me with a half-sister, step-sister, and sister? No thank you.
I leave tomorrow around two P.M., but I have not even begun packing yet, and now my anxiety is through the roof. My sentences are barely flowing together right now. I get really bad trip anxiety,, and that, combined with the autism spectrum disorder, causes me to shut down entirely half the time. I am also guessing I will not sleep tonight, as I never do before a trip which will affect my bipolar, probably sending me spiraling down into a depressive phase..,
Everything is just, ugh, right now

Fuck Bipolar Disorder

First, let me start by saying that I am so, so sorry for having been gone so long. To sum up why, I went home from university (8 hours away), Got a job that allows me to have a shit ton of hours, and have been fighting off a depressive phase the whole time.
Basically with my bipolar I have to fight every day not to slip into an elated manic state, or slip into a deep depressive state. I can feel myself trying to go into that dark depressive state again, but I am fighting it tooth and nail.
I have started taking my medicine as prescribed, I get exercise, my sleep is routine, and my eating is much healthier. I am honestly not sure what to do, I have some situations beyond my control that really are not helping.
But anyways, that is my brief rant about how much I hate this stupid fucking disease. Thank you if you read it.

This is why you should not Procrastinate

The reason I have not been posting much lately is because I am in the middle of exams. So much fun right? I actually only have one left though, tomorrow at eight in the morning. After that though, my first year of university is officially over.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of procrastinating studying for my last exam, and now I have to read two books and write a 2000+ word research paper before Eight. So, well, seven and a half hours. Thank God for speed reading though.

If you are curious, my paper is on the history of psychology and how it has shaped America socially, politically, and economically.
So learn from my example and do not procrastinate important tasks, like I am still doing now, by writing this…..